Coming clean

I think it is a well-known fact that doctors make the worst patients... We know too much and sometimes we think we know what's best. In addition to this, there is an anxiety or fear of bad outcomes that can manifest itself as denial.

I had a doctor's appointment today. It has been about a year and a half since I had been and because my weight has been going in the wrong direction, I didn't want to have to tell my doctor what a bad job I've been doing with consistently taking my meds or following my diet. In fact, my PCP tricked me into coming in... she asked what I was doing on the 24th and when I said that I had nothing going on, she made me an appointment.

I must say that it is a relief to actually have gone... My blood pressure (off my medication) was a little bit high (142/72) which means that it is not time to come off the losartan. I still need to do labs (since it was an afternoon appointment I wasn't fasting). Actually, the labs kind of scare me a little - I'm really afraid of getting diabetes. She offered to check my A1c, which I declined. Maybe if I had been good about my diet over the past 3 months, but since I haven't I'm afraid of what the results may be. For now, a fasting glucose will be sufficient. I'll let you know how things turn out once I get them done.

But I feel great... I'm motivated to keep going.

Happy Tuesday!

LP

Coulda, woulda, shoulda...

***Warning, this post is kind of negative... I'm hoping I'll turn it around by the end.***

A year ago yesterday, I had my last good assessment. I was down 97# and oh so hopeful. I couldn't wait to reach the "hundred pounds gone" mark and knew that it was in reach. I also had daydreams about when I would finally be a healthy weight, and I was confident I would get there by my goal of my 35th year... I felt invincible.

A year later and 35 lbs (in the wrong direction) later, I have to ask myself -- WTF??? What happened? How could I do this to myself again??? If only I had a chronicle of my journey... Oh yeah, I do... I decided to read my own blog to see if I can figure out what went wrong.

I was a rockstar for the first 9 months. I journaled almost everyday, stuck to the rules without straying (except cheat days), and was faithful to my cardio. I vaguely remember the sense of pride I felt when I got in an extra workout in or when I would refuse dessert at work or food brought in by a drug rep because it didn't follow the rules.

And then I got a little arrogant... I made that goal of reaching 100# by Thanksgiving (something that was too aggressive to safely do). I became obsessive and super-strict in a way that was not only not maintainable, but I think caused me to rebel a little.

Once I stopped working towards that assessment, I started to give myself slack and started to gain. Well, that was a slippery slope. I made attempts many times to get "back on track" (yeah, I lost count of how many times I have used that expression here). I would give myself a pep talk and be all optimistic only to fail and get discouraged only a few days later. I have still to this day not been able to get back to even writing things down consistently (which is the first step).

I've tried a ton of other things to help me -- different journals, seeing a nutritionist, strategizing with Sean, making goals for races, I even had a life coach -- but none of this stuff has been able to fix whatever broke in me last year. I'm so frustrated because I know I can do this (I was doing it and it worked), so what is stopping me now??? Most of all, I am so angry at myself for throwing away all of that hard work!!! I'm really afraid that if I can't fix the problem, I am going to be back where I was before I started this journey or even heavier. This would be unforgivable!

So, where to go from here???

I'm not giving up. I can't do that to myself. If it means starting over everyday, then that is what I have to do. If you have any ideas of something I can do to regain that drive I once had, I'm open to suggestions...

Sorry to be a downer...

Happy Saturday!

LP

Back to work...

So, my new found enthusiasm continues (yes, I realize it has only been 2 days). Yesterday I was super sore. My shins really hurt and it was difficult to walk around the hospital. But after a good stretching session this morning, I'm back! I did an upper body workout with Sean and then took a walk around the Fan - when I drove it, it measured 2.5 miles.

Tackling my nutrition is going to be more of a challenge... I've been pretty far gone for a while so I guess the good news is that even small changes will be a step in the right direction. I'm starting first with journaling and eating 5-10 servings of vegetables and fruits a day. After I master those, I'll add a new rule back in. I'm just not ready to give up the coffee and the diet cokes that I added back to my life at some point over the past year... I know that they need to go (or at least be drastically cut back), but there are other things that I can work on first.

Who knows? Maybe I'll be back to losing in no time...

Happy Monday!

LP

Race Day

So as I alluded to in the past couple of posts (and then hinted at by my long silence), things have been rough the last few weeks. My training fizzled -- and I was seriously considering backing out of the 8K. After much encouragement from my friends, I decided to go for it. That is, after Megha made me promise that we would walk the whole thing.

It was a lot of fun... Another friend, Aimee, from work joined us too. We talked the whole way and it was over before we knew it. We were soaked and freezing, but proud of what we accomplished. We even got medals of participation! Here we are at the finish line...

The evening after the race, I went to my neighbors' house for a "Runner's Victory and Remorse" party. You see, my neighbor Jack rocked the marathon this year! This is even more amazing considering that 13 months ago, while training for the 2008 marathon, he had a heart attack! What an inspiration, right???

There was an surprising side effect of doing the race yesterday (the soreness this morning was expected... I think it was the push I needed to get back on track. I woke up this morning and started my food journal again. I looked up the date of the Monument Ave 10K and am seriously considering doing that one, too. I'd like to lose 20 lbs before I start running again, but I learned that there is value and a sense of accomplishment that goes along with walking the race as well... who knew???

It's a wonderfully sunny day here in Richmond, VA... something that is a welcomed change after our very rainy week... it's enough to lift anyone's spirits!

Happy Sunday!

LP

Gratitude challenge...

Still trying to get out of my funk, but I'm getting a little better each day. One of my friends from college and now Facebook gave me a great idea. Until Thanksgiving, she is posting a status reflecting something for which she is grateful. I've decided to steal her idea and challenge myself to do it, too!

I'm going to will myself to be happy, if it's the last thing I do!

Have a wonderful day!

LP

Nothing positive to say...

I've been struggling... Maybe it's the change of the weather and maybe I'm hosting my very own pity party, but I've been pretty down lately. Wards left me exhausted, both physically and emotionally. I'm so tired and I'm tired of my crappy, boring life. I really need a change!

I haven't been running and I've barely doing the other things I need to do. Needless to say, I won't be running any races... I may walk it. We'll see...

Hoping this funk will lift soon!

Happy Wednesday!

LP