A year ago yesterday, I had my last good assessment. I was down 97# and oh so hopeful. I couldn't wait to reach the "hundred pounds gone" mark and knew that it was in reach. I also had daydreams about when I would finally be a healthy weight, and I was confident I would get there by my goal of my 35th year... I felt invincible.
A year later and 35 lbs (in the wrong direction) later, I have to ask myself -- WTF??? What happened? How could I do this to myself again??? If only I had a chronicle of my journey... Oh yeah, I do... I decided to read my own blog to see if I can figure out what went wrong.
I was a rockstar for the first 9 months. I journaled almost everyday, stuck to the rules without straying (except cheat days), and was faithful to my cardio. I vaguely remember the sense of pride I felt when I got in an extra workout in or when I would refuse dessert at work or food brought in by a drug rep because it didn't follow the rules.
And then I got a little arrogant... I made that goal of reaching 100# by Thanksgiving (something that was too aggressive to safely do). I became obsessive and super-strict in a way that was not only not maintainable, but I think caused me to rebel a little.
Once I stopped working towards that assessment, I started to give myself slack and started to gain. Well, that was a slippery slope. I made attempts many times to get "back on track" (yeah, I lost count of how many times I have used that expression here). I would give myself a pep talk and be all optimistic only to fail and get discouraged only a few days later. I have still to this day not been able to get back to even writing things down consistently (which is the first step).
I've tried a ton of other things to help me -- different journals, seeing a nutritionist, strategizing with Sean, making goals for races, I even had a life coach -- but none of this stuff has been able to fix whatever broke in me last year. I'm so frustrated because I know I can do this (I was doing it and it worked), so what is stopping me now??? Most of all, I am so angry at myself for throwing away all of that hard work!!! I'm really afraid that if I can't fix the problem, I am going to be back where I was before I started this journey or even heavier. This would be unforgivable!
So, where to go from here???
I'm not giving up. I can't do that to myself. If it means starting over everyday, then that is what I have to do. If you have any ideas of something I can do to regain that drive I once had, I'm open to suggestions...
Sorry to be a downer...