Saturday, November 21, 2009

Coulda, woulda, shoulda...

***Warning, this post is kind of negative... I'm hoping I'll turn it around by the end.***

A year ago yesterday, I had my last good assessment. I was down 97# and oh so hopeful. I couldn't wait to reach the "hundred pounds gone" mark and knew that it was in reach. I also had daydreams about when I would finally be a healthy weight, and I was confident I would get there by my goal of my 35th year... I felt invincible.

A year later and 35 lbs (in the wrong direction) later, I have to ask myself -- WTF??? What happened? How could I do this to myself again??? If only I had a chronicle of my journey... Oh yeah, I do... I decided to read my own blog to see if I can figure out what went wrong.

I was a rockstar for the first 9 months. I journaled almost everyday, stuck to the rules without straying (except cheat days), and was faithful to my cardio. I vaguely remember the sense of pride I felt when I got in an extra workout in or when I would refuse dessert at work or food brought in by a drug rep because it didn't follow the rules.

And then I got a little arrogant... I made that goal of reaching 100# by Thanksgiving (something that was too aggressive to safely do). I became obsessive and super-strict in a way that was not only not maintainable, but I think caused me to rebel a little.

Once I stopped working towards that assessment, I started to give myself slack and started to gain. Well, that was a slippery slope. I made attempts many times to get "back on track" (yeah, I lost count of how many times I have used that expression here). I would give myself a pep talk and be all optimistic only to fail and get discouraged only a few days later. I have still to this day not been able to get back to even writing things down consistently (which is the first step).

I've tried a ton of other things to help me -- different journals, seeing a nutritionist, strategizing with Sean, making goals for races, I even had a life coach -- but none of this stuff has been able to fix whatever broke in me last year. I'm so frustrated because I know I can do this (I was doing it and it worked), so what is stopping me now??? Most of all, I am so angry at myself for throwing away all of that hard work!!! I'm really afraid that if I can't fix the problem, I am going to be back where I was before I started this journey or even heavier. This would be unforgivable!

So, where to go from here???

I'm not giving up. I can't do that to myself. If it means starting over everyday, then that is what I have to do. If you have any ideas of something I can do to regain that drive I once had, I'm open to suggestions...

Sorry to be a downer...

Happy Saturday!


Casey said...

Laura, I think reflection is an awesome tool. Good for you for looking back to when you were stronger (because you still are). What works for me when I seem to lose my motivation, is to remember why I am trying. What is my goal? My goals are written on a note card from a WW meeting. I also have a printed off list of the top 4 goals I am working on (2 of which involve weight loss). I know those are what I really want. So, I have taped multiple signs up of "What do I really want the most?" at my office, in my wallet and on the snack shelf at our house. Usually, (not always) I don't really want the junk food the most. i am very impressed and inspired by your journey. Keep up the good work!! You and your goals are worth it.

DC Food Blog said...

This post is well timed because I am trying to figure things out about easing the foot off the pedal. As you saw on my blog I've been cutting back on the exercise. What I didn't say was that a consequence is that I gained about six pounds. Now my conflict is tricky because my blood test numbers in terms of glucose and fat are awesome but going from running 20 miles a week to 15 miles a week has definitely affected my weight. The challenge is how do you ease up without giving away the farm? I mean I'm still running right? I still regulate my carbs and I'm eating more veggies. BUT I totally haven't cared about the fat coming into me and thinking about having to worry about ONE MORE THING blows. I think the challenge we all face is how to do this when it feels like work. I can keep up with the running because it's fun,. But now that the gym is a 5 minute drive from home as opposed to being on the way to home, it's an inconvenience.